Since All-Star voting is a complete joke (read: fans, coaches, players, writers, and 98% of everyone involved with baseball are idiots), figured I’d throw my weight around here. So uh, yeah, this team is meant to represent the best of the first half which, while making me cringe, gives some sort of validity to putting Marco Scutaro on anything with the word “star” attached. (Editors note: 1 player was selected from each team, like the real All-Star game).
Running Downhill’s National League All-Star Selections!
C -Brian McCann (ATL) – With no offense to the teddy bear, but there just isn’t much competition here. Yadier Molina can throw dudes out, Rusty J. Mart can’t hit a goddamned home run, Iannetta is the catcher’s version of Three True Outcomes, Geo Soto has been bad, high, presumably both, so yeah. McCann’s been good since he got his eyes fixed, posting a .377 wOBA, 8 home runs, etc. The dude can hit, always has, and continues to. What’s even better, is that his backup, David Ross, in ultra limited time, has a .399 wOBA (tops NL catchers). Cox really knows how to get value out of that catcher spot, no? Too bad the Braves still suck. Blame Frenchy.
1B – Albert Pujols (STL) – I feel bad for any and all NL first basemen. Pujols has an otherwordly .472 wOBA, and is on pace to hit around 60 home runs. This is some Barry Bonds type shit, it’s just a shame that Pujols, family man, man of god, man of baseball, is 10x better and more boring than all those having incredible years (see: Dizzy Votto, The Prince, A Gonz, Reynolds, DLee, Helton, etc.). But credit where credit’s due, the National League is stacked with great first basemen, and this isn’t even close.
2B – Chase Utley (PHI) – I’m having a hard time thinking of things to say. Let’s go with: Freddy Sanchez sucks. Brandon Phillips sucks. Martin Prado sucks. Brendan Ryan sucks. Felipe Lopez sucks. Clint Barmes sucks. Craig Counsell sucks. Orlando Hudson sucks. Dan Uggla sucks. Everyone sucks. Except Chase Utley. He’s awesome.
3B – Pablo Sandoval (SF) – Is Pablito the most fun player to watch in all of baseball? Most likely. Swings at every pitch, has a .397 wOBA, and is extraordinarily quick for a fat panda of a man. And his defense isn’t as bad as you’d think! The kind of production he’s had, in the worst lineup in baseball, is amazing. I love him. You should too.
SS – Hanley Ramirez (FLA) – Hanley’s RAR (runs above replacement) doubles the next highest shortstop (Tejada). And this is with a dude who has a -0.5 UZR. It’s all bat, and it’s sweeeeeet. Of course he’s injured and won’t play in the All-Star game, but as Kevin Garnett once said, “What can you say now?”
OF – Matt Kemp (LAD) – Matt Kemp hits 8th. He’s the best hitter on the Dodgers. This doesn’t make any sense. He’s also really good at fielding, and is one Nyjer Morgan away from being the best fielding CF in the NL. This man needs to be rewarded. Somehow. Maybe if a bunch of people chipped in I could get a plane ticket to LA and shank Joe Torre with a rusty knife for being a fucking moron. Do you think Kemp would appreciate that? Circle Y or N. Thx.
OF – Justin Upton (ARI) – 21 years old, huge butt, monstrous home runs. And plus fielding to boot (or rather, NOT boot! Ohhh!). It’s like, how bad do you have to make the rest of us look? When I was 21 I’m pretty sure I was passed out drunk on Fullerton & Milwaukee, somewhere between the Two-Way Lounge and El Charro, covered in mole sauce.
OF – Ryan Braun (MIL) – A toss up between Roast Beef and Ibanez for this final slot, and I’ve got to go with Braun. And no, it’s not just because I own him in two fantasy leagues, but because he’s been far and above the National League’s best hitting outfielder. He doesn’t look like much (you know, fat), but he’s got one of the nicest home run swings around. When he burst into the league a few years back I figured his hacking would lead to some decline, and instead it’s gotten him a slash line of .312 / .406 / .556. Sometimes you eat the brew, and sometimes the brew eats you.
SP – Tim Lincecum (SF) – THE FREAK. Already has more strikeouts than most pitchers will get this entire year. He doesn’t allow very many runs. And he seems to be growing a bit of a Randy Johnson baseball mullett. So many words have been spewed over the past few years about Timmy, who still continues to possess one of, if not the most fascinating and unique backstories, aesthetics, et all. Remember folks, ice is for his drinks, not his fucking arm.
Rest of the Best:
SP – Javier Vazquez (ATL) – Switches leagues, park, and is unhittable. Go figure. Part of me is sad (as a White Sox fan), and part of me is completely vindicated for all the Javy-Defending I’d done the past 3-years. Guy’s always had it in him, and here it is (136K in 110IP).
SP – Dan Haren (ARI) – Pending second half-meltdown, as per usual. But boy, that 7.93 K:BB walk ratio looks like big sexy boobs right about now.
SP – Josh Johnson (FLA) – Bouncing back from Tommy John surgery has never been this easy.
SP – Ubaldo Jiminez (COL) – Odd looking fellow, isn’t he?
SP – Chad Billingsley (LAD) – Those hips aren’t getting any slimmer…
SP – Yovani Gallardo (MIL) – Dazzling to watch. And that’s important!
SP – Adam Wainwright (STL) – Yeah, sure, but he didn’t really get good until I traded him in a fantasy league.
SP – Ted Lilly (CHC) – Need a Cub in this game, right? Been good, but not as good as others.
RP – Jonathan Broxton (LAD) – Listed at under 300 lbs. I disagree.
RP – Rafael Soriano (ATL) – Unhittable, just like he was 4 years ago.
RP – Heath Bell (SD) – Average looking guy.
RP – Brian Wilson (SF) – As Rob Dibble said, “Tattoos, mohawk, this guy just LOOKS like a closer.”
RP – Huston Street (COL) – Looks like a 90210 character. Am I wrong?
C – Yadier Molina (STL) – Sucks, but I’ll honor a roster having a backup catcher.
1B – Prince Fielder (MIL) – No meat? NO PROBLEM.
1B – Adrian Gonzalez (SD) – Looks like Edgar Gonzalez.
1B – Lance Berkman (HOU) – I haven’t watched a single Astros game this year.
2B – Freddy Sanchez (PIT) – The Pirates are real bad.
3B – Ryan Zimmerman (WAS) – About time, fatty.
3B – David Wright (NYM) – Remember that time he hit 3 HR in the second half? This is the opposite.
3B – Mark Reynolds (ARI) – Like Adam Dunn, but in the infield.
OF – Raul Ibanez (PHI) – His whole career is perplexing.
OF – Carlos Beltran (NYM) – Top 5 player of the decade, I’d say.
OF – Adam Dunn (WAS) – Please don’t look up his defensive numbers.
Apologies to the love of my life, Brad Hawpe. Sorry bud, your fielding is brutal!