The bulletin of upcoming events at the institution at which a few of us here at RD work makes mention of the following seminar: “Making the Most of Being Single: Tips on how to enjoy being single in Chicago, hosted by Human Resources.” Now, I’m not the type to demean those who find it difficult to chart the troubled seas of love (I’m a big proponent of lunch hour speed dating myself) but I couldn’t help but wonder what kind of love advice one gets from the Human Resources department of a mid-sized Catholic institution of higher learning. Here’s my best guess:
1. Don’t be afraid to tell other singles just how enthusiastic you are about fulfilling [your institution’s name here]’s mission statement through community outreach, personal improvement, and professional development. [You institution]’s values are just as enriching in the outside world as they are in your professional life, especially key concepts like bureaucratic anonymity, rewarding conformity over competence, stunting intellectual development, and existential demoralization.
2. A good way to meet other singles is to participate in [your institution]’s annual inter-business recreational athletic competition. What better way to impress the opposite sex than by demonstrating your prowess and good sportsmanship in events such as: Soccer against teams with one violently competitive former college player, Being the scapegoat for your boss’s failure in a three-legged race, and Accidentally hitting a pretty girl in the face with a bean bag?
3. Finally found someone you can connect with on a personal level? Why not spend a romantic night in each other’s company reviewing your tax documents in preparation for the upcoming delivery of your W-2? Remember, [your institution] considers parking a deductible business expense, but not any fees associated with attending the function at which you met your romantic interest! (Disclaimer: [your institution] advises the use of a qualified tax professional in the preparation of tax documentation. It may be advisable to strictly date CPAs.)
4. If you find yourself alone on a weekend night, we’d like to suggest a few activities that we think you’ll find stimulating, fulfilling, and satisfying. How about settling down with a cup of hot tea and a good movie? A few [your institution] HR Staff favorites: Legally Blonde 2, Glengarry Glenn Ross, Meet Me In St. Louis, and eXistenZ. We would also suggest using the internet to locate a public reading by a local author, but [your institution’s] IT department is currently doing network maintenance, having assumed that no one would be using their office computer at 9:30 on a Saturday night. However, when you do return to your cold, bare-walled one bedroom apartment, we’d like to remind you that you can review your benefits package at anytime from your home computer at http://www.%5Byour institution’s url]/hr/benefits.html.